I will keep it short and sweet so you can understand how much pain this man will give you

Maybe you're here because you're looking for a good keeper. You know that GKs in this game are either demented to the point it is a miracle they are able to stand up or they are omni-present demi-gods that will catch every single shot and that even if you do score, the replay will show the shot being stopped. It is even more wonderful to know that they are so extremely inconsistent that they alternate between these 2 states at any time with no prior warning.

This man however does not fit in that. He will 150% give you a stroke. This man makes Karius look like a legend, and having nothing in goal will actually be 100% more effective than this garbage. He has managed to actually assist strikers by putting balls in the net. Unreal.

Diving: 0/10. He can fall slow or fast, but he will never dive in a correct position to block the shot. Even if the shot comes directly at him, he may jump out of the way. Simply put: I think he believes he is playing dodgeball.

Reflexes: 0/10. He can be fast or slow, but again, why is he avoiding the ball. No atheists exist when he is goal - however, it is usually his owner that is hopelessly praying to whatever Gods that exist. I've seen him watch a ball go (he was completely still) - that ball was 3 feet away from him and was moving as fast as Per Mertesacker. At other times he ran as fast as Usain Bolt...to dodge the shot. Brilliant mate.

Handling: 0/10. His handling is as good as my uncle fondling my balls. My uncle never did because he had no hands. And he was a decomposing corpse. Still amazingly, when he somehow manages to stop a shot, he deviates its path onto the opposing striker. Bravo. He makes more effort assisting strikers than Ozil.

Kicking: Ha. Hahahaha. No. He actually makes good passes. But why do I need a GK that excels at short, easy passes? Why not you know...actually protect the damn goal??

Speed: As fast as a sloth with no limbs.

Positioning: He dodges the ball with elegance and grace. Unfortunately, his job is to stop that ball.

Overall: Hahaha I'm fine this is just a game, I don't care, hahaha oh this shotgun? hahah don't mind me I am just going to see if it fits in my mouth an-

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