plays Africa by toto Genesis: 1 1: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2: And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

For every other non-believer on the planet, the light was Abdoul Ba. Ladies and Gentle-Ladies welcome to your yearly dose of a 6’7’’ black man. Ba has gone through a majestic transformation since FIFA 18. In 218 games he has scored 28 goals, which is holy. Unlike last year, when pace was actually effective and my players didn’t pass to thin air, and when strength worked and when EA were a 4/10 company. This shite review will be more about stats as stats are epic. So, let’s go.

Pace 9/10:

This is one of the main reasons why I hate EA is because they gave a 6 foot 7 black man 49 fucking pace, tbh it feels like around 70 pace, but his strides are the size of fucking Russia how is he this slow, EA ARE SO INEPT, I actually wish I could stroll up to Theresa May and launch a fucking ICBM at EA HQ as she isn’t afraid to launch them at Syria, fucking tori. In addition, Ba had to run back and forth for water everyday and he is still this way. I get that he had limited food as a child before he moved to Lens but ffs EA at least make him faster, twats.

Shooting Too godly:

This man’s left foot is more powerful than Russia’s defence in Stalingrad, he can blast one in from 6 yards out. The sheer size of this holy mans legs are bigger than the fucking sun. As I literally know everything about this man, he hasn’t missed a leg day since Jesus was born (8th Febuary 1994 which should be a global holiday to celebrate Ba’s birthday) and this shows with the sheer power of his shot as he pee-roles them down the middle of the goal to exploit the fact that the tosser at EA make Papa Demba Camara a better goalkeeper than fucking Kepa Arrizabalaga who calls for Ba to be subbed of as he is to retarded to sub himself off, its incredible, making the sweats of division 8 throw their controllers across the room as Streli Mamba absolutely finishes them on a regular basis, ea r shit.

Passing 7/10:

Behind every great man, there is always a downside. Like Communism, on the surface it is absolutely sublime, but underneath. No one gets food. Ba’s passing is still solid he just doesn’t do it that often, as he doesn’t need to, all Ba does is happily walk up to some sweaty BPL striker and absolutely send them out of the EU along with Britain. One type of pass that Ba is class at is the ‘BA yeet’. This is a crucial procedure to any IF Roy Krishna goal. To start the move, Ba collects the ball from some bpl tosser. He then takes 2 Soviet Union Strides forward. He then chip through balls it with all his power to either Dacosta or Coulibaly or my GK if EA decide that they want to bend me over and fuck my arse. These fit boys then proceed to run towards goal but before the fake out Ederson or some other twat who sweats sport and pass it to Krishna who slots it home.

Dribbling 8/10:

Ba dribbling is not like an autistic kid dribbling but is as graceful as a swan on a lake. Although his feet may be 46 times bigger than an actual football, he has the ability for that close control which u only see on the Michael Jackson documentary. Ba can send your btec bastard Laporte back to the little French bakery where he gets baguettes shoved up his rectum. People are so intimidated by Ba when he has the ball at his feet, mainly due to his feet being about 12 stories big they just raise the white flag (especially if the are French) and scurry back to there shitty lil council house in Scunthorpe (I know people in Scunthorpe wont be offended by that as they can’t afford the internet).

Defending 4972/10:

Ba is just the most naturally gifted talisman in defence, I feel this is mainly due to the fact that alongside him he has Dytyatev who is fresh out of Chernobyl due to his 93 strength, if somehow manages to break through this defence, which for comparison is less likely than Madeline McCann returning home safely, so if that happens then I’m just going to jump out of my window. Ba has the truly unique ability of legit standing still to stop an attack, as he is legit the great wall of Mauritania, u get big man Andy Carroll thinking he is proper solid and sprinting with all his heart at Ba and Ba just goes ‘no bitch’ and Carroll with his goldfish sized brain just runs straight into Ba and he is sent him back to his shithole house in fucking Stratford.

Physical Heaven/10:

Ba is more aggressive than Theresa May’s nightmares on how she has fucked the UK in not getting a Brexit deal, when he leads the boys out at Arena d’oro the opposition fans run straight down to the ticket booth and plead for the man who failed his gcse’s for a refund as they can’t sit and watch them win 1-0 with 1 shot on target when I have about 74523. The sheer power that Ba possesses is about 48465863984369 times greater than Thannos, or shaggy for that matter. Ba can stroll up to Akinfenwa and flick that weakling and he would have to go to Scunthorpe A&E for literally every injury possible on the human body (no exaggeration). I feel that if u need an absolute unit in your team, starter or not which he should be and if anyone ever brings him on in a game against me, I will find you and not do anything as I’m a pussy. But Ba is not a pussy, Ba will always find away to assault someone on the pitch, which is what I appreciate in life.


Ba is like a VW Up!, it looks pretty unconvincing on the outside, but as you get in you realise it is the most incredible thing in life. Thank you for reading this sheer amount of autism and I hope I wasted your time.

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