Why are you here? Are you too poor to afford Busquets or Khedira? Are you so desperate that you're actually considering Mohamed Sissoko for your team? What bad life decisions led you to this point? Let me guess. You spent all your coins on packs because hey, "I might get Messi." But you didn't get Messi, did you? You got a non-rare gold striker from the Turkish league with 66 pace, a rare silver Korean named Kim, and a Jordan Henderson, whose grim expression reflects your mood right now. You're alone. Helpless. Out of coins. Yet you still need a CDM for your La Liga team.

Well friends you are in luck because Mohamed Sissoko is the man for that job. I know what you're thinking. He can't really be that good. Yet he is. I have named this creatured "The Destroyer of Worlds" for reasons that will soon become obvious. Here is my detailed breakdown of this discard price superstar:

PACE - 61 on the card. Feels like 101 in game. No really, he isn't actually all that fast, but he has the work rate of a rabid wolverine on uppers and covers more ground on the pitch than the grass itself. He doesn't feel slow because he's everywhere at once. Wherever your opponent's attack develops, Sissoko will pop up out of the turf like a trapdoor spider and demolish everything around him.

SHOOTING - 62 on the card. Feels like 101 in the game. Mainly for comedic value. If you ever need entertainment, just try taking a few pops with The Destroyer of Worlds and watch him spray the ball all over the field like chunks of vomit from the lips of a sorority girl after one too many wine coolers. Seriously though. I can't tell you anything about Sissoko's shot because I've never taken a shot with Sissoko. Why would you take shots with The Destroyer of Worlds? That isn't his purpose in life. His purpose in life is to crush the souls of attacking players.

PASSING - Sissoko has excellent passing because he does not kick the ball with his feet like most players. Instead he gives the ball an angry look and it runs away from him, seeking comfort with the nearest teammate. This is great for linking up play and building your attacks out of the back.

DRIBBLING - The ball clings to Sissoko for protection like a baby clings to its mother. It remains there in his pouch until he gets angry and sends it away. So you will find that Sissoko's dribbling is quite good despite only being a 69 on the card.

DEFENDING - 71 on the card. Feels like 1001 in the game. The Destroyer of Worlds is the successful culmination of Ronald Reagan's missile defense program. Any attacker who enters the no-fly zone will be swiftly and decisively eliminated by this demon of the deep. You don't even need to press any buttons. Just sit back and watch as he hunts down all those who dare enter your half of the pitch. Ronaldo, Ibra, Messi, and Ibarbo? It doesn't matter. All will fall at the hands of the mighty Sissoko. He is the king of the mountain.

PHYSICAL - 84 on the card. Feels like 10001^10 in the game. Sissoko was not born. He was grafted onto the planet directly out of a striker's nightmare. The demon of the deep has a hulking 6-foot-3 frame weighing eight thousand pounds with more aggression than all the vikings in Valhalla. Those who dare attempt to hold the ball against this human tsunami will suffer grave physical damage and be swept away into the abyss of eternal sadness. Those who dare attempt to challenge The Destroyer of Worlds for a header will be repelled by his gravitational pull and launched into orbit. The virtual blades of grass on the field will become soiled with the feces and urine of his terrified enemies (next gen only).

OVERALL - Sissoko is the Kronos of the FIFA universe. He is the father of all the gods. He is the seed from which Luiz, Ibarbo, Emenike, Pogba, and Doumbia sprang forth. He is Genghis, Alexander, and Darth Vader all rolled into one. He is The Destroyer of Worlds. For the measly price of 300 coins, he will make life a living Hell for all of your opponents. Quits will be raged. Controllers will be broken. Lives will be lost.

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